So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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