We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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