I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
