I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
