She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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