Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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