Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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