His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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