Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
