do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
