I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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