Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
