he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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