You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
A+ Viking dick
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
