Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
