My hair reeks of homosexuality.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My feet surprised me
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