i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
