update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
