I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
