I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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