I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Randomize
