There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
