areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
