Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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