I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
