I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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