i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
