tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
