i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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