remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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