can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
