Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
