I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
