so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
