I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
