When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
