after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
