I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
where am i from again
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
