Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
