Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
