i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
