it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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