i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
