Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
