there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Randomize
