Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
