I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
