Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
