I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
