Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
