he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
