dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
