Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
